How to write an LOTR MarySue
by Skitty-Kat
Summary: Pretty self-explanatory, I think.
1. True Love Take One

How to write an LOTR Mary-Sue  
  
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to JRR Tolkein, but Mary-Sue is a general character. I'll admit that I'm not much of a fan of Mary-Sues.  
  
Instructions: Delete location, character etc as applicable.  
  
It was the middle of the night in Mirkwood/Rivendell/Lothlorien/Hobbiton/Mordor. The moon shone brightly, reflecting off the blond/brown/black/white/other hair of Legolas/Aragorn/Boromir/Frodo/Sam/Gandalf/Gimli/Elrond, as he walked through the trees. His extraordinary good looks were clear in the light.  
  
Suddenly, he saw someone else in the woods. Ahead of him was a female figure, and she was obviously very beautiful. Moving closer in fascination, he saw that she was the most perfect, beautiful woman he had ever seen.  
  
"Who are you, fair one?" he asked, breathlessly.  
  
"I am [insert author's name here eg Mary-Sue]. I am an elf maiden/sorceress/half-elf/half-elf sorceress/travelling beauty/frog- kisser," she replied in a bell-like voice.  
  
"I am in love with you, oh Mary-Sue!" the hero cried, "marry me! You are so beautiful!"  
  
Indeed she was very beautiful, with [insert colour] hair, [insert colour] eyes, a slender waist and huge breasts. She moved towards the elf/man/dwarf/wizard/hobbit and flung her arms round his neck.  
  
"I need your help," she whispered, "my brother/father/mother/sister has been captured by Orcs, and I need a brave fighter to rescue them. I have sworn to marry any elf/man/dwarf/wizard/hobbit who does."  
  
"I'll do it!" he declared boldly, "though it be hard and frightening, I'll do it for the love of such a beautiful woman."  
  
He planted a kiss on her lips as a promise, and rode off into the night with his bow/sword/shield/axe/staff/eyebrows at the ready. Mary-Sue watched him go, knowing in her heart that he would succeed. She could still feel his lips on her perfect red ones, and imagine his hands on her body.  
  
:::::::::  
  
Legolas/Aragorn/Boromir/Gimli/Gandalf/Frodo/Sam/Elrond returned the next morning, with Mary-Sue's brother/father/mother/sister/pet goldfish/aunt on the back of his horse. Mary-Sue herself ran out to meet them, hair attractively awry.  
  
"Oh [chosen character]!" she exclaimed breathlessly, "you rescued my [chosen relative]!"  
  
The relative in question was soon led away by the elf healers, as relatives are never useful in a love scene. They looked somewhat miffed at being only an incidental character, a mere plot device, but softened, knowing that it was true love.  
  
Mary-Sue and [chosen character] stared at each other, lost in the depths of each other's eyes. Slowly, their heads were drawn together in a kiss of passion.  
  
"Oh Mary-Sue," [chosen character] moaned as they pulled apart finally, "I've never kissed anyone as good as you."  
  
The scene continued, with the rating climbing as it went on.  
  
::::::::::  
  
Needless to say, they were married the next day and lived happily ever after with lots of little children.  
  
Happily ever after, until the author sees another character she likes, and writes herself into that. It's a vicious circle.  
  
End.  
  
~Like it? Hate it? Review anyway!~ 


	2. Bye Bye Love or True Love Take Two

How To Write An LOTR Mary-Sue  
  
Chapter 2: Bye Bye Love  
  
Disclaimer and A/n: All characters belong to Tolkein except Mary-Sue, and I'm sure he wouldn't want her. Thanks to all the lovely people who reviewed me nicely! As for Starbrat, Madeleine541 and Frodofan, if you don't like, don't read! As I've had more positive comments (and some good ideas) than negatives, I'm going to carry it on. So ner to anyone who don't like it.  
  
Mary-Sue and [insert character] lived for many years/months/days/hours/minutes in perfect harmony together. Their love was purer than anyone else's, and everybody who saw them had a feeling of happiness (or an uncontrollable urge to vomit). They strolled merrily through the trees with sun in their hair and each other's arm around their waist.  
  
"Oh Mary-Sue!" [insert character] exclaimed, "I love you!"  
  
"J'adore tu aussi," Mary-Sue replied, using their own private language. (Thanks, San Antonio Rose!).  
  
They spent some time staring into each other's eyes, while the birds sang happily above. As he looked at her, [insert character] was struck again by her beauty. His elven/human/hobbit/dwarven/wizardly eyes could see no flaws in her perfect complexion. Her hair was a perfect waterfall of gold/silver/black/pink/other. He put his hand on her [insert body part] and smiled at her handsomely.  
  
"Thou art well pretty, my fair one," he said, using another of the obscure languages that they were both so fluent in. She smiled coyly, fluttering her perfect eyelashes.  
  
Suddenly, there was the sound of fighting from beyond the trees. [Insert character] immediately leapt to his feet and drew his bow/sword/dagger/axe/staff. He ran to the noise, and saw a group of orcs tormenting an old lady. Mary-Sue watched, her eyes wide, as he attacked the orcs head on. Horrified, she saw him bravely fighting, not noticing the orc behind him with a long sword.  
  
The orc's sword plunged deep into [insert character]'s [insert body part]. He let out a cry, but still managed to kill the last orc. Mary-Sue ran forward to cradle her true love's head in her lap. He looked up, his life leaving him before her eyes.  
  
"I love thee," he whispered hoarsely.  
  
"I love you too," she replied, "I always will." [Insert character] smiled weakly, and breathed his last.  
  
"What's happened?" a new voice called. [Insert character 2 (not the same as the last one)] was running through the trees towards her. "Mary-Sue?"  
  
"He's dead," she moaned, tears falling down her face but not, miraculously, smudging her makeup.  
  
"Not [insert character]!" [Insert character 2] exclaimed. "[Insert character] was my best friend."  
  
"And I loved him," Mary-Sue cried, "he was my only true love."  
  
[Insert character 2]'s arm went round her shoulders, comforting her. His close proximity to her made Mary-Sue realise how manly and attractive he was. His [insert body part] was very [insert appropriate adjective], and she turned to look at him better. He turned at the same time, and their faces met.  
  
In a moment they were kissing, madly and passionately. Eventually, when the kiss broke, Mary-Sue glanced up at [insert character 2].  
  
"But what about [insert character]?" she asked tremulously.  
  
"It's what he would have wanted," [insert character 2] assured her. They kissed again, lost in their passion, forgetting the dead body that still lay beside them. 


	3. Tragedy Of Two or True Love Take Three

How To Write An LOTR Mary-Sue  
  
Disclaimers and stuff : None of the characters belong to me, and Mary-Sue bears no resemblance to me whatsoever. Thanks to all who reviewed, you make me very happy! Thanks for correcting my French, I know it wasn't good and wasn't meant to be (as S A Rose suggested ~grin~).  
  
Chapter 3. True Love (Take 3)  
  
Mary-Sue and [insert character 2] embraced passionately among the dead bodies. His [insert body part] wandered along her [insert different body part] until it reached her huge (and boy, do I mean whopping huge massive) breasts. They kissed and kissed, and despite the rolling around on the floor, Mary-Sue managed to look beautiful and perfect.  
  
Suddenly, there was a hoarse whisper from her lap.  
  
« Mary Sue ? »  
  
« [Insert character] ? » she gasped, « I thought you were dead ! »  
  
[Insert character] sat up and pulled Mary-Sue into his arms. He pressed his lips against her perfect, cupids-bow lips. [Insert character 2] pushed [insert character] away, and seized Mary-Sue in his own arms. She gasped, not wanting to leave either of them.  
  
« Back off [insert character], » [Insert character 2] snarled in a manly way, « Mary-Sue loves me, not you, you elf/man/hobbit/wizard/dwarf/balrog ! »  
  
« How dare you, [insert character 2] ! » [Insert character] said, leaping up. « I shall fight you ! »  
  
[Insert character 2] stood too, letting go of Mary-Sue. She fell to the ground, landing on her [insert body part] and bruising it slightly.  
  
« Oh ! » she exclaimed, as her two true loves fought viciously in the clearing. Her eyes filled with tears as they slashed at each other with their knives/swords/bows/axes/staffs.  
  
Soon it was all over as they killed each other. Mary-Sue ran over to where they lay, her cheeks streaked (beautifully of course) by her silvery tears. She knelt by their bodies.  
  
« [Insert character] ? » she whispered. « [Insert character 2] ? »  
  
There was no answer, as they were dead as coffin nails. Mary-Sue gave a cry and ran off into the woods. Her grief was more than any person's, and the tears flowed freely, but not smudging her mascara. In fact, she wasn't wearing any, as her looks were so perfect that she didn't need makeup.  
  
She arrived some days later at Rivendell/Lothlorien/Minas Tirith/Mordor/Mirkwood/other, and secluded herself in her rooms. She saw nobody, and was too wrapped up her own own grief.  
  
« My own dear loves are dead, » she moaned, still remaining beautiful in her ordeal.  
  
: : : : : : : {Many years passing} : : : : : : :  
  
Many years later, Mary-Sue was still in mourning. Little did she know, however, there was someone watching her. He had been smitten by her beauty, and was as love-lorn as she, but it was just as unrequited.  
  
He was [insert character 3], a handsome elf/dwarf/man/wizard/orc/hobbit/other who could have had any [insert something] he wanted. However, all he wanted was Mary-Sue. One day, he decided to do something about it. He wrote a song, and sang it outside her window. It was, of course, to the tune of 'Peggy Sue' by Buddy Holly.  
  
« If you knew Mary-Sue, then you'd know why I feel blue  
  
About Mary, 'bout Mary-Sue  
  
Oh, well, I love you gal, yes, I love you Mary-Sue  
  
Mary-Sue, Mary-Sue, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, Mary-Sue  
  
Oh, my Mary, my Mary-Sue  
  
Oh, well, I love you gal, and I need you, Mary-Sue  
  
I love you Mary-Sue, with a love so rare and true  
  
Oh, Mary, My Mary-Sue  
  
Oh, well, I love you gal, yes, I want you, Mary-Sue  
  
Mary-Sue, Mary-Sue, Oh how my heart years for you  
  
Oh, Ma-ha-ry, my Ma-ha-ry-Sue  
  
Oh, well, I love you gal, and I need you, Mary-Sue  
  
Oh, well, I love you gal, yes, I want you, Mary-Sue. »  
  
Mary-Sue ran to her window, to see her serenader.  
  
« [Insert character 3]! » she exclaimed, « do you love me truly ? »  
  
« Ah, ma cherie, » [insert character 3] said romantically, « tu es mon lapin d'amour . »  
  
He climbed up the trellis on which grew perfect red roses the colour of Mary-Sue's lips and [insert body part]. He kissed her passionately on those perfect lips.  
  
They fell back onto her bed, and the rating climbed as they got.to know each other better. 


	4. MarySue's Tragic Tale

How To Write An LOTR Mary-Sue  
  
Chapter 4: Mary-Sue's Tragic Tale  
  
Disclaimers: Tolkein owns the whole LOTR cast, I'm just borrowing, like everyone else round here. Mary-Sue is evil and should be punished, but then again, she'd probably enjoy it. It'd give her something else to moan about. Oh, and sorry about the random symbols that came up instead of "" in the last chapter, I think the computer had something wrong with it.  
  
  
  
Later on, the gorgeous Mary-Sue and her handsome [insert character 3] were lying on the bed. [Insert character 3] slipped his arm around her slender waist, as his other hand wandered slowly across her huge plump globes.  
  
"Oh, Mary-Sue," he whispered in her perfect pointed/shell-like/human/other ear.  
  
"Oh, [insert character 3]," she replied, perfect lips parting seductively.  
  
"Won't you tell me about yourself?" he asked softly, smoothing her waterfall of hair.  
  
Mary-Sue turned her head away slightly, and a silver tear welled up in her eye. [Insert character 3] instantly wrapped his arms around her tighter.  
  
"I don't mean to hurt you," he said.  
  
"It's all right," she said bravely, "I know I've got to tell you sometime. I have to tell you my past, because I truly love you."  
  
She was silent for a moment, gathering the pained thoughts of her tragic past. At last, her voice full of emotion, she spoke.  
  
"I come from a world far away, a planet called Earth. I lived in a town/city/village called [insert town name]. I lived with my parents/boyfriend/grandparents/rats/other, and it was wonderful/miserable/horrific/depraved.  
  
"My life was good/bad until something terrible/wonderful happened. My [insert living companions] were killed, murdered by a gunman/evil wizard/monster/car crash. I was abandoned in the world with nothing except my beauty, which is a great asset."  
  
"Rather like these two then," [insert character 3] put in, handling the 'assets'.  
  
"Well, I discovered a portal/said a magic spell/clicked my ruby slippers/walked through my wardrobe and found myself here. I have wandered for many years/months/weeks/days/hours/minutes, before I met.[insert character]."  
  
Mary-Sue paused, wiping her eyes with a silk handkerchief.  
  
"He was wonderful, but he was killed so horribly. As was [insert character 2], who was also my true love.  
  
"But not everything's bad, darling, I have you, and I will never leave you, as long as I live."  
  
"Nor I you," [insert character 3] declared, "you are my only light in the dark. My pillar in the wilderness, my princess in the court, my oasis in the desert, everything I ever wanted. Never leave me, for you are my one love."  
  
They started to kiss again, but were interrupted by the sound of fighting from outside. Peeking through the curtains, Mary-Sue spied an [insert method of dying].  
  
"Oh mon Dieu!" she exclaimed, "it is the [insert method of dying]! It'll kill me for sure, as it killed my [insert relatives]!"  
  
"Don't worry, Mary-Sue!" [insert character 3] shouted, "I'll save you!"  
  
"Oh, do be careful," Mary-Sue said worriedly, "I couldn't bear to lose my true love for the third time."  
  
[Insert character 3] leapt out of the window, drawing his weapon as he did. Soon, the sounds of fighting reached Mary-Sue's delicate ears. Her enormous bosom heaved as she heard the battle cries. She listened carefully, trying to figure the outcome of the fight.  
  
"Oh [insert character 3]," she cried, as she heard his cry of anguish from below.  
  
Jumping out the window/using her magic powers, she hurried to the scene. It was a terrible place. The [insert method of dying] was dead, as was [insert character 3].  
  
"Oh [insert character 3]," she wailed, "not you as well!"  
  
She knelt by the bodies for a while, tears pouring down her face. She was disturbed from her tremendous grief by footsteps behind her.  
  
"Mary-Sue?" a voice asked, "are you all right?"  
  
She turned, her lower lip trembling prettily.  
  
"[Insert character 4]?" she asked.  
  
  
  
To be continued! Will Mary-Sue find her REAL true love in [insert character 4]? Or will she go and have another sob-fest? Find out soon, whenever I get round to updating.  
  
  
  
This is to thank all the lovely people who have reviewed me over the time I've written this so far. I don't generally hold with putting up a great long list and taking up half the story, but I wanted to answer a few things and thank some people personally.  
  
Hugs go to: Jenny, Jhesika, Sailor Kitsune (penguin attack!), Elf of Rivendell, the Soup Nazis, Uggi, Nut job, Turamarth, Frodo Skywalker, Phoenix Flight, Gaslight (the eyebrows have it [insert punctuation sound]), Auriale, DJ Caligula, Alex, Thunder Elf, jennyjj, lil' odd me, Aldawen of Rivendell, the Gothic Elf (thanks for the huge breast reminder), greatjedi, Lady Myself (ah well, so I have bad French), Lyrique, ella, [no name] (thanks for the image of diet coke up the nose), Asreena (what's a madlib?), sound of the skies, Starbrat (you changed your mind? Yay!), ;), and Anne-Marie.  
  
Thankee to San Antonio Rose, who gave me the ideas for the warped language and that. Let's face it, there's not much more warped than my French and Middle English.  
  
Also to the Evil Old Woman, for reminding me about Mary-Sue feeling sorry for herself. Yay!  
  
Roselyne, for giving me the idea, via the Monty Python sketch, of making [insert character] 'not dead'. It fits so well!  
  
As to Madeleine541, Frodofan and innocent-penguin, if you don't like, don't read. I decided that my good reviews outweighed the bad ones, so I continued. Hah!  
  
To all reading, hope you enjoy, I'll try to keep it going for as long as it is feasible, amusing and whatever. Happy reading! 


	5. Someone Doesn't Fancy MarySue?

How To Write An LOTR Mary-Sue  
  
Chapter 5: Someone Doesn't Fancy Mary-Sue?  
  
Disclaimers et al: Don't own them, wish I did. Especially that stunt elf. Tolkein was a genius, I'm just cashing in on it, without the cash, obviously. So, you want a rating change, huh? I don't think I've included anything explicit, it's your own mind supplying the [insert body parts]. Except the breasts of course. Maybe you've got a phobia about breasts. As in B-R-E-A-S-T-S, you know? Ooh, I know. *Evil chuckle*. I'll use euphemisms. Heh.  
  
  
  
Indeed it was [insert character 4] behind her. He stood, a tall/short/medium man/elf/hobbit/istar/orc/dark lord/dwarf/other, with handsome looks and a concerned expression.  
  
"Are you all right?" he repeated softly.  
  
"[Insert character 3] is dead," she moaned beautifully, her pineapples heaving, "my dear love, my only true love."  
  
"Don't give up hope, Mary-Sue," [insert character 4] tried to calm her, "all is not lost, though he was my friend and I will grieve for him with you."  
  
They knelt by the body for a while, both with tears in their eyes. Their grief was so great that even the birds stopped singing. As they stayed there, Mary-Sue, though completely grief-stricken, turned her attention to [insert character 4]. She noticed how handsome he was, how large his [insert body part] was, how smooth his [insert different body part] was.  
  
"It seems that all hope is not lost, melonaninny," she whispered seductively. (Melonaninny -friend, in warped Elvish. Oh, comedy.)  
  
[Insert character 4] looked down at her, as he was manfully taller/shorter than the petite and beautiful Mary-Sue. His eyes widened, realising the intent and passion behind her words. He leaned forward/upwards/downwards, until his lips almost touched the perfect ones of Mary-Sue, but then pulled away.  
  
"I.I cannot," he said, standing and disappearing into the trees. Mary-Sue looked despondently after him.  
  
"Oh [insert character 4]," she sighed, "my love. Why can you not?"  
  
::::::::::::::::  
  
Some time passed, during which Mary-Sue would see [insert character 4] everyday, but he would look away, trying to avoid her. One day, having had enough, Mary-Sue approached [insert character 4], giving him no chance to slip away.  
  
"[Insert character 4]!" she called, "why do you avoid me?"  
  
[Insert character 4] glanced around in a frightened way, then grasped Mary- Sue's arm and pulled her into a usefully-placed dark alley.  
  
"I love you!" Mary-Sue declared, "with all my heart and soul. Ich liebe dich, mon ami."  
  
"Your skill with tongues amazes me, dear lady," [insert character 4] said, taking her hand gently, "but I cannot return your love." He turned his head away.  
  
"But [insert character 4]!" Mary-Sue exclaimed, "you are my one and only! [Insert character] died, as did [insert character 2] and [insert character 3]. You are the only one who can have my heart!"  
  
[Insert character 4] looked sad at that, for [insert all other insert characters] had been his friends/enemies. He looked at Mary-Sue's huge footballs, which jiggled so enticingly beneath her undoubtedly flattering clothing. His mind was sorely troubled, as he had a deep secret, one that he could not tell Mary-Sue.  
  
"Oh, Mary-Sue," he whispered, "I love you, but I cannot. There is a difficulty."  
  
"Oh, [insert character 4]," she replied, looking up at him with her wide, beautiful eyes, "we can overcome difficulties."  
  
"Oh, Mary-Sue!" he groaned.  
  
"Oh, [insert character 4]!" she groaned.  
  
They fell at each other, kissing and hugging and [insert appropriate activity]. So engrossed were they in each other that they failed to see a figure coming up behind them.  
  
"Well, this is all very cosy," a voice said, "shame it has to end right now."  
  
To be continued!  
  
  
  
Who is the mysterious figure? Are they something to do with [insert character 4]'s deep secret? Will Mary-Sue get too top heavy and fall over forwards? Will this parody ever end? All this and more in the next chapter. (Oh, and by the way, the review button's just down there if you're feeling happy.) 


	6. Catfight or MarySue Struts Her Stuff

How To Write An LOTR Mary-Sue  
  
Chapter 6: Cat-fight, or Mary-Sue Struts Her Stuff  
  
Disclaimers: All characters hinted at, but not actually named come to think of it, belong to Tolkien, except Mary-Sue, who shouldn't exist. Congratulations to San Antonio Rose for guessing the identity of the mysterious figure, though I did like issa's image of the person being his mum. Made me laugh. Interesting how you all thought the figure was female (but you were right). Thanks to all the lovely people who reviewed, and on with the tale.  
  
  
  
"Get away from him, [insert insultive term]," the figure continued.  
  
Mary-Sue looked up, her beautiful eyes narrowing attractively as she saw who it was. Tall and beautiful (though not as beautiful as Mary-Sue, naturally), [insert b****] stood over the pair, glaring angrily. [Insert character 4] gasped.  
  
"[Insert b****]!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Obviously I'm needed here, to stop you finding someone else," she spat, "like this trollop here."  
  
"I'm no trollop!" Mary-Sue sprang to her feet in indignation.  
  
"Then what are you doing with my husband/fiancé/lover/guinea pig/betrothed?" [Insert b****] stalked over to Mary-Sue, until they stood nose to nose, eyeing each other.  
  
"I didn't know he was your husband/fiancé/lover/guinea pig/betrothed!" Mary- Sue protested, not wanting to get into a confrontation. "I love him!"  
  
[Insert b****] sneered. She stared down/up at Mary-Sue, her whorish clothing marking her as not the right sort for such a handsome [insert race] as [insert character 4]. Her face was good-looking in a way, but by no means as beautiful and gorgeous as Mary-Sue, who stood her ground bravely.  
  
"Would you fight for him?" [Insert b****] challenged, drawing a line in the dirt with her toe.  
  
"Mary-Sue!" [Insert character 4] gasped. "She'll kill you! She's a brilliant fighter."  
  
"I'm not afraid," Mary-Sue said quietly, "I'll do anything for your love, [insert character 4]."  
  
She faced up to [insert b****]. They moved, slowly, to a wider alleyway, then stood, eyeing each other warily. Mary-Sue felt some trepidation, which she banished immediately. She couldn't back down now, not while her true love for [insert character 4] was at stake. Folding her hands into fists, she waited for [insert b****] to make her move.  
  
Smiling cattily, [insert b****] instantly lunged for Mary-Sue. The brave heroine dodged aside, using her speed and skill to elude the evil woman's attack. [Insert b****] almost fell to the ground but recovered herself in time to try another attack. Mary-Sue fended her off with her giant millennium domes, which were far bigger and more shapely than [insert b****]'s.  
  
"I will defeat you!" [Insert b****] scrambled to her feet, clothing ripped unattractively. Mary-Sue said nothing, not allowing herself to be distracted. [Insert b****] came at her again, nails outstretched.  
  
"Oh, Mary-Sue!" [Insert character 4] exclaimed, worried for his true love's safety.  
  
Unfortunately, this distracted Mary-Sue, a fact which [insert b****] quickly took advantage of. She ripped at Mary-Sue's clothing, until it was barely decent. It seemed for a moment as if Mary-Sue could be defeated.  
  
"Mary-Sue!" [Insert character 4] cried again.  
  
This galvanised the heroic Mary-Sue to fight back. She overpowered [insert b****] and pinned her to the ground. Mary-Sue pointed her missiles at the cowardly woman's throat.  
  
"Don't kill me!" [Insert b****] pleaded, clearly terrified by Mary-Sue's superior fighting skills and beautiful looks. "I promise I'll leave you and [insert character 4] alone!"  
  
[Insert character 4] walked over and looked at his former love.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered, "but I never truly loved you. Mary-Sue is my one true love, and I shall love her forever."  
  
"Oh, [insert character 4]," Mary-Sue breathed, standing and running over to him, "you are my only love, all the others are dead."  
  
They embraced lovingly and passionately, Mary-Sue's huge balloons heaving against [insert character 4]'s manly chest. His hands began to wander along her [insert body part].  
  
[Insert b****] started to creep away, unnoticed by the couple.  
  
"Don't mind me," she muttered, frowning darkly as she moved away. Then her expression softened, seeing that it was indeed true love between Mary-Sue and [insert character 4]. She went off into the trees. (Hey, where did they come from? Must be part of the upcoming plot.)  
  
Suddenly, there was a loud scream.  
  
  
  
Dramatic music! What will happen in the final chapter? Yes, that's right, you did read the words FINAL CHAPTER. Has Mary-Sue at last found her man? Will it be the end for Mary-Sue, in dying terms? Will we never again see her huge 'ball-cocks'? What do those trees mean? All this and more, coming up!  
  
By the way, the review button is just down there. That's if you want me to feel happy and wanted and appreciated. 


	7. Final Chapter or The End Of MarySue

How To Write An LOTR Mary-Sue  
  
Chapter 7: Final Chapter or The End Of Mary-Sue  
  
Disclaimers: All characters included, apart from Mary-Sue, belong to Tolkien, not that they're named or anything. I just do it for the reviews. I'm not ashamed. Call me what you will, a review whore, a review junkie, I don't care. Just help me feed my habit, or even my rabbit, please! And yes, this is the last chapter, so love and death galore. I decided that [insert character 4] had been hanging around for too long.  
The scream echoed in the suddenly deserted streets. Mary-Sue looked fearfully around, clutched in [insert character 4]'s manly/elfly/dwarven/hobbitly/orcly/otherly arms. Her eyes grew wide, making them even more beautiful. She stared between the trees, trying to see what the horrifying sound had been caused by.  
  
"Wait here, Mary-Sue, my dearest heart," [insert character 4] said, stepping forward bravely. He drew his [insert weapon].  
  
Where did that [insert weapon] come from, Mary-Sue wondered, I thought he was just pleased to see me. Aloud, she said, "Be careful, my darling."  
  
[Insert character 4] ventured into the strange forest. The trees loomed over him, dark and foreboding. He glanced around heroically, until he saw the crumpled form of [insert b****] lying on the forest floor. Her guts were spilled out on the mossy ground, her face frozen in an expression of terror. [Insert character 4] drew back in horror, but forced himself to look closer.  
  
"She's been murdered by [insert standard foes]," he said quietly, "I may not have really loved her, but it's a horrible way to die."  
  
"Could they still be around?" Mary-Sue asked tremulously, her perfect lower lip caught attractively between her perfect white teeth.  
  
"Maybe," [insert character 4] said, glancing around, "I'll go and look. Stay here, this isn't the sort of thing that a beautiful girl like yourself needs to see."  
  
He walked heroically through the trees. Mary-Sue crept along behind him, keeping out of his sight, not wanting to let him go on without her. Her enormous plump polystyrene packages heaved as she followed, shivering slightly in anticipation. [Insert character 4] stopped in a clearing, where the [insert standard foes] were waiting.  
  
With cries of general evilness, [insert standard foes] charged on [insert character 4]. He stood his ground manfully/elf-fully/dwarf-fully/other- fully, his [insert weapon] killing large numbers of the [insert standard foes]. However, their superior numbers were too overwhelming, and Mary-Sue could only watch in horror as [insert character 4], her one true love, was savagely murdered before her beautiful eyes.  
  
"Oh, [insert character 4]!" she exclaimed, running forward. The [insert standard foes] turned tail and ran, terrified by the giant bouncing beach balls that Mary-Sue took everywhere with her. Ignoring them, she knelt by the lifeless body of her one true love, [insert character 4].  
  
Her tears ran down her face, marring it not. She was still beautiful in her grief, as [insert character 4] was still handsome in his death. She held him in her arms, weeping bitterly as the rain started to fall. She didn't seem to notice the downpour as it soaked her, plastering her clothes to her body and outlining her curves. Eventually she went back to [insert location], still sorrowful.  
  
She remained distraught for many decades/years/months/weeks/days/hours/minutes/seconds/nanoseconds. Her life was incomplete without her true love. After [insert amount of time as specified above], she decided to do something about it. She couldn't live without a love, no [insert race] could. She went to see a wizard/used her own magic powers.  
  
"Bring back my true love!" she pleaded/commanded.  
  
There were some really cheesy magical effects. A plume of smoke rose from the ground, accompanied by multicoloured flashes and tasteless rose petals. When the smoke cleared, Mary-Sue could see [insert character] standing there.  
  
"[Insert character]!" she exclaimed. "So you're my one true love!"  
  
She ran towards him, but suddenly there were more magical effects. Another plume of smoke appeared, inside which was [insert character 2].  
  
"[Insert character 2]!" Mary-Sue exclaimed. "So I have two true loves!"  
  
She turned to him, but was distracted by yet more flashes and bangs. These heralded the arrival of [insert character 3], who looked somewhat confused.  
  
"[Insert character 3]!" exclaimed Mary-Sue, who was rapidly becoming quite overwhelmed. If this carries on, she thought, I'll have hot flushes. Her gigantic coleslaw pots heaved in anticipation.  
  
Even more bangs and flashes filled the air, announcing the appearance of none other than (guess who) [insert character 4]. Mary-Sue looked around her true loves, all of them handsome and [insert adjective].  
  
"But I don't know who to choose," she said somewhat forlornly, and then rather brighter, "maybe we should have a five-some?"  
  
[Insert character], [insert character 2], [insert character 3] and [insert character 4] all looked at each other. There was a sudden energy in the air.  
  
"We can't," [insert character {insert number}] said, "we've been changed by our deaths."  
  
They all moved towards each other, grasping each other in their arms and kissing wildly. [Arrange pairings as preferred].  
  
"You mean you're all gay?" Mary-Sue gasped, watching them with some interest.  
  
There was no spoken answer, but the passionate sounds and fondlings of various [insert body parts] was reply enough. Mary-Sue's face lit up, as if powered by 100 watt bulbs.  
  
"No longer shall I write about myself," she declared, her melons shrinking to normal size as she spoke, "I have been converted!  
  
"I shall now write SLASH!"  
The End.  
There you go. The complete instructions on how to write an LOTR Mary-Sue in all its glory. Hope you enjoyed them. You know what to do if you did. (Hint: Review button is just down there). Thanks to all for reading.  
  
The Extra Super-Special Happy Bonus Chapter will be up soon! 


	8. Extra SuperSpecial Happy Bonus Chapter

Here it is! The Extra Super-Special Happy Bonus Chapter! For all you out there who didn't want me to end the fic, here is a little bit extra for you all. It's what you've all been waiting for. In the words of Monty Python, it's.  
The Mary-Sue Spotter's Guide  
  
Appearance: Generally female, though the male version -Marky-Stu- has been sighted.  
  
Their prominent (pun intended) features are their enormous mammary glands, which have the tendency to heave in a manner that is reported to be romantic, though most people find it sickening.  
  
Their facial appearance is perfect, from the wide beautiful eyes, the clear complexion and the delicate nose to the perfect cupid's-bow lips. They enjoy pointing out their perfection at every available opportunity, to any person foolhardy enough to read or listen.  
  
Mary-Sues may be of any race, particularly elf, half-elf, human, or any race of some beauty. They may also have unthinkable magic powers, completely out of context with their surroundings.  
Behaviour: Fawning around genuine fictional characters, falling in love or simply making love with them at every chance.  
  
Occasionally they bestow themselves, in their minds, with some originality when their tales start with some animosity between themselves and their chosen character. This is, however, only temporary, and the usual carryings- on occur.  
  
Courting behaviour varies, depending on the particular fetish of the Mary- Sue.  
Habitat: Any part of Middle Earth, or perhaps even the modern world providing that a real fictional character has appeared in it. Their particular location depends on their chosen character.  
  
Their preferred climate depends on their needs, and they will manipulate it thus. For example, if a Mary-Sue wishes to appear pathetic and needing love, she may conjure up a rainstorm.  
Diet: Man eating. Any handsome fictional character who strays in her path will be devoured.  
Typical Sounds: Sighs and lovelorn noises. Includes phrases such as "Oh, my true love!" Also heavy, passionate breathing.  
Warning! These creatures are to be loathed and maybe pitied, but never approached. They are extremely dangerous and are best isolated. Be especially wary, they may try to disguise their true nature with the words 'original character'. Best observed from a distance, if at all.  
  
The above holds true for the genus of Mary-Sue, that of the Lord of the Rings one. The description is easily adapted for other fandoms. 


End file.
